I am very aware of the number of times we adults give “feedback” to the students, especially as we begin this new school year. Over the first month, we’ve given “feedback” about everything from how each one is doing academically in each class, to how they’re doing in the cafeteria, to how they’re doing in building relationships.

Feedback is really information about how well or how poorly someone is doing in fulfilling an expectation or performing a task. That task may be as simple as wiping off the table when lunch is finished, or as complicated as making a decision about what to do when someone cuts in front of you in line or calls you a name. In either situation, the feedback someone gets goes much deeper, and influences much more, than just the immediate action.

When a person is given feedback, either about how well s/he is doing or what needs to be done differently, the brain processes not just the words, but the tone of voice, the look on the feedback giver’s face, the whole attitude conveyed about the person.

Children, especially those with learning challenges, rely heavily on tone of voice, facial expressions, and attitude. These mean as much as the words themselves – sometimes more. If we want children (or anyone) to benefit from our feedback, then we have to be very careful about how it’s delivered.

Here are some examples of what I mean.

1. If a child is supposed to clear off his/her plate, and wipe his/her place at the table before lining up for recess, and the child doesn’t do a good job, the feedback that needs to be given is:
   ”This is not acceptable and something needs to be done to fix it.”  If we say, “Go back and clean up your spot, it’s a mess,” and if we say it with a tone that conveys  “How many times do I have to tell you this?” then the real message the child hears, takes to heart, and learns is “Nothing I do is good enough, or right, and I’m not liked.”  The child will then respond grudgingly, and will say or do additional things to reinforce his/her belief, “You don’t like me anyway, I never do anything right, so why should I care?”

On the other hand, saying to the child, “I can see that you made an effort to clear your plate and clean the table. Come on over to where I’m standing and look at it from where I am. What can you fix to make it even better?” That message, delivered with a tone that conveys patience and support, will tell the child, “I believe in you and in your ability to do a good job. I’m not going to settle for less, because I know you care about doing your best.” You may get a pout, especially if the child is intent on getting back to play, but pouts don’t last long, and the deeper message will clearly be “I’m liked, I’m valued, I matter.” Try this strategy at home. You’ll be amazed at the difference it will make.

2. If a child gets caught pushing someone who just cut ahead of him/her in line, we can say, “Stop that, you know pushing is violent and we don’t tolerate violence,” with a sharp tone that conveys “And I don’t want to hear another word about it. I don’t care what you have to say.” This may stop the immediate behavior, but inside the child will be feeling hurt and angry because his/her “side” was never heard – the reason for the push was never addressed, and the other child, who was just as violent, “got away with it.”  Or we can say, “Pat, I just saw you push Terry. That’s not like you, what’s going on?’ That will open the door to an explanation and begin to diminish the tension. Once that happens you can say, “I can see why you were angry, but pushing is violent and never solves the problem. What different choices could you have made?” Let the child come up with some, choose one, and then let the child do it. For instance, if the child says, “I could have said please don’t cut in front of me,” bring the first child over, and let those words be said. The one who actually cut in line needs to apologize, followed by an apology by the one who pushed. It takes a few minutes longer to do, but the lasting message of how to solve problems without using force or violence will be invaluable. Do this at home if your children are arguing or “carrying-on.” It will take a bit of practice, and a few extra minutes, but you won’t be carrying as much negative energy, peace will be restored much more quickly, and you’ll establish a message that says, “Both of you are capable of solving problems peacefully, and I’m here to help you do that.

These strategies are also useful in the workplace. If you want a friend or co-worker to really benefit from suggestions you give, choose your words carefully, pay attention to your tone, and remind your face to look as if you like and value the person. This will help the person gain much more from your advice than you can imagine. 

May each of you recognize how special, loved, and valued you are.